Superb
by Zwip
Summary: Alternate Universe. One made of crack, specifically. 17: “Why couldn’t we be pitted against some normal evil person? A nice, normal sociopath serial killer would have been just as interesting!"
1. Chapter One

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light**  
Chapters:** 1/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** Well, maybe saving his arch-nemesis from what was quite possibly the most pathetic death ever was an extremely horrible idea, but that was his job, saving people, notwithstanding how truly evil they were.  
** Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

As L carried the unconscious Yagami Light in his arms, it registered very loudly in his mind that what he had just carried out was most likely a horrible idea. He comforted himself with the knowledge that he, L, never had horrible ideas, and even if he did, they could be much worse were they the horrible ideas of someone who was more of an imbecile than he.

Well, maybe saving his arch-nemesis from what was quite possibly the most pathetic death ever was an extremely horrible idea, but that was his job, saving people, notwithstanding how truly evil they were.

However, he was fairly certain that he was most likely expected to allow his nemesis a terrible demise. Perhaps he had erred on that particular aspect of the situation. No, he was aware that the heroes were also expected to offer the glittering hand of salvation to their enemies, no matter how cruel, when said enemies were on the verge of death.

He was also aware that the enemy generally did not take said extended hand of aid and in hubris brought themselves to their own ends. It was also, due to this general rule in criminal psychology, perhaps a large faux pas to use the aforementioned hand of aid to grab an unconscious enemy and save them possibly against their will.

As L swiftly entered his home and called for Watari, he decided that he _really _did not care and that if Light did not enjoy having been saved and consequentially being alive, then he would have to deal with it.

* * *

I'm pretty sure that no one knows me from the fandom I was writing for a short time ago, but in the rare case of that happening, hello again. 

If not, hello and nice to make your acquaintance.

I must warn anyone out there that at the moment, I have no intent whatsoever of ever making this story serious in any way, shape or form, nor do I currently have any plans set for shounen-ai. The only things I have set in stone for this are that L and Light will be snarking at one another. Constantly.

However, it will become much more amusing from this point on, so I encourage anyone out there to continue reading.


	2. Chapter Two

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light**  
Chapters:** 2/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lengthy.  
**In A Nutshell:** "I am attempting to discern whether you look better in this or in spandex. I must say, the odds are looking terrible either way."  
** Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

When Yagami Light arose from his trauma-induced slumber, he had an excruciatingly painful headache and a faint voice at the back of his mind politely informing him that he should probably not be alive. With an extra surge of throbbing to his pounding headache, he sat up to examine his surroundings.

Unfortunately, L happened to be one of those surroundings and a rather close one at that, thus, much to Light's immediate chagrin, he ended up knocking his head against the unwitting arch-nemesis', who had apparently been in some sort of trance. Traumatized once again, Light dropped back to the bed with a groan, only shooting up once again upon realizing that he had just hit his head against the head of _L_, who should have very well killed him by now. Thankfully, L dodged this second jolting and Light remained upright.

"I would be greatly appeased if Yagami-kun were to refrain from doing that once more," L said, sounding vaguely amused.

"So would I," Light groaned in response, rubbing at his temples and closing his eyes to block out the ever-more headache-inducing sight of L, who had moved somewhat, but not a great deal.

"You must have many questions, and I am fairly positive that I will answer the majority of them honestly. So please, I implore you to ask." L stared at him with his large, round eyes as if trying to hypnotize him. Knowing that conniving bastard, he probably was! Light looked away and at his _other_ surroundings, attempting to determine which of his questions were most prominent.

"I suppose," he began slowly, as if testing his ability to speak, "my first and foremost question would be…" And suddenly, Light forgot. Ah, crap. He'd been staring into that sneaky bastard's eyes, hadn't he?

"Yagami-kun was perhaps wondering why he isn't dead." L seemed amused once again. Light was going to have to find a more insulting noun than bastard sometime soon. "The answer to that is simple. You see, I saved you."

"Although I'm sure you derive immense pleasure from pointing out the blatantly obvious, I must in turn point out to you that it is an entirely unnecessary thing to do." He shot L a dirty look. "Why did you save me?"

"_I_ saved you?"

"Is that not, in fact, what you just said?"

"I must be mistaken; I do not believe that I would have the ability to save Yagami-kun from anything…"

"Don't feign ignorance; we both know who you are."

"Is that so?" At this new protest, Light merely pointed at the large, trademark insignia hanging on the wall that yelled to anyone within a twenty foot radius of it who the scraggly man was.

"So, why did you save me?"

"Well, that's my job, isn't it?"

"Yes, but I'm sure it is not part of your contract to save your enemies."

"I'm supposed to be the savior of all mankind, you know." L blinked innocently, and before Light could even begin to open his mouth to rattle on about religion, he tactfully tacked on, "And it also would have been quite the problem for small children to see pigeons picking at your bloated corpse this morning." When no response came, he also added, "Drowning in a fountain containing less than two feet of water is a most unbecoming way to die, would you not agree?"

"I was unconscious."

"That is your issue."

"You were the one who knocked me out."

"Are you implying that it's my issue as well, then?"

"Yes."

"Then would you not agree that, in joint ownership of this issue, it was my duty to fish you out of that fountain?"

Light stuck out his tongue. L took that to mean that he had won.

"So then… where am I?"

"I have brought you back to my base." L smirked." Are you not going to become angry with me for stating the obvious once more?" He jerked his bony thumb out towards the aforementioned large and designative insignia behind him.

Light, choosing to ignore this particular piece of smartassery, continued, "Why haven't you turned me over to the authorities?"

"I am very hurt that Yagami-kun does not think me an authority," L deadpanned. "However, I do not believe that any regular authorities would have the capability to restrain you entirely, so I have… imprisoned you here."

Light, to his credit, only looked bemused at this statement. "So… you really _are_ L, aren't you?" He looked at the scrawny man crouched next to him in the large white shirt and baggy blue jeans, evaluating him.

"May I ask why Yagami-kun is staring at me so intently?" L cocked his head to one side in a display of mock innocence.

"I am attempting to discern whether you look better in this or in spandex. I must say, the odds are looking terrible either way."

L said nothing and Light silently cheered for himself, a chant soon to be interrupted by L raining down doom all over his parade.

"Is Yagami-kun not wondering what is to become of him now that he is, ah… 'in my clutches?'" L's eyes narrowed in devious mirth as Light was shoved harshly back into reality.

"Well, I don't think that you would save me from death to kill me, so I am obviously safe in the aspect of my mortality."

"Yagami-kun is correct in that deduction. However, in accordance with his great hubris, I believe that the fate I have chosen for him is one he may consider worse than death."

"You're not going to force-feed me some crazy-pill to turn me insane or chop off all of my hair, are you?"

L smiled evilly, and Light was blindsided by the full force of the_ irony_ in that. "I wish for Yagami-kun to become my sidekick."

* * *

Because there's nothing more entertaining to write than L and Light snapping at one another. 


	3. Chapter Three

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light**  
Chapters:** 3/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "THERE IS NO WAY THAT I AM WEARING THAT."  
** Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

"Oh_ hell_ no." Light's response was immediate and extremely forceful.

"Yagami-kun's eloquence is simply breathtaking."

"Can't we be the Justice League or something? All equal?"

"I believe that is copyrighted. My apologies."

"Can't we then make our own league?"

"We could." Light's eyes brightened and L took a great, sadistic joy in shattering his hopes. "However, I do believe that I am the one with the trump card, so to speak, in this situation."

"Then turn me in."

"No. Yagami-kun would be getting off much too easily in such a position."

"Arrrgh." Light turned his back to L obstinately. "I refuse to be your sidekick."

L grabbed Light's head and turned it to face him. "No you don't."

Damn those hypnotic eyes!

"Yes I do…"

L pouted. "But there are so many beneficial things that Yagami-kun and I could do together! I'm sure that with his help, well." He paused, grinning wildly to bear all of his frightening teeth. "We could rid the world of criminals, Yagami-kun and I." And then he turned puppy dog eyes onto Light and before he even knew he was snared, he was nodding his head.

"Is that your power, then?" Light had forfeited being belligerent for the time being.

"Yagami-kun should know that I have no powers." He stuck his thumb into his mouth momentarily, seemingly pensive. "Perhaps one could say that my intelligence is unrivaled."

"I beg to differ," Light interjected crossly.

"I would not have expected any less. I have not said that _I_ think my intelligence to be unrivaled, only that _one_ may believe so. In fact, I believe Yagami-kun to be my only rival in intelligence and otherwise would not have asked him to join me."

"I'm flattered," Light said flatly. Silence ensued; ghastly, awkward silence.

Assuming this to be a lull in the conversation, L clapped his hand and yelled, "Watari! If you will, please bring down Yagami-kun's new attire!"

Light muttered unintelligible and unspeakable oaths under his breath.

When Watari arrived with the outfit, Light spoke first. "THERE IS NO WAY THAT I AM WEARING THAT."

L looked troubled. "I see no reason why Yagami-kun would be averse to wearing this. He has a very nice body, after all."

After one hour, twelve minutes, and forty-three seconds of being awake, Light finally came upon the realization that he had been undressed whilst unconscious.

He could wail at the unfairness of it all.

"Okay, L. If I am to be your… sidekick, I am going to have to lay down some ground rules. Firstly, alterations to my appearance are _not allowed_. Under _any_ circumstances."

"But Watari was almost a prominent fashion designer!"

"Almost?"

"If those… motherless dogs hadn't cheated, Watari would have won Project Streetclothes."

Watari felt no need to interject that not only had he never been on the show, he had never even heard of it.

"There's a reason he lost. Anyways, second rule is that you stop calling me Yagami-kun."

"Would you prefer Kira-kun?"

"There goes _secrecy_."

"Light-kun, then."

"A simple, 'hey, you,' would suffice but I am entirely too exasperated at even the mere thought of your manner of speech to desire to dwell upon it any longer."

"Yaga-Light-kun is much too cruel."

"It could be worse. The fourth is that I demand you change your appearance."

L pouted. "That is unfair, Light-kun."

"Life has never been renowned for its fairness."

"Neither has Kira-kun."

"The masses beg to disagree."

"The masses have never been renowned for their intelligence." Light shot him a glare that could put an exuberant puppy into a coma. "However, it is unfair of Light-kun to demand that I change my appearance when he has so adamantly refused to alter his."

"But surely you care about what the women think of you when you save them?"

"No?" L seemed genuinely confused. "Why should I allow a woman to decide what it is I am to wear habitually?"

"I hope you are aware that your statement makes you seem misogynistic."

"I have been called many unpleasant things before but never that."

"Well, everyone else probably thought you were just a bitter loser who couldn't get a girl-"

"PLEASE. STOP." Watari sounded truly exasperated, and Light wondered why he didn't just exit the room if he was so displeased by their conversation. "Yagami-san, please, are there any more conditions that you feel need be applied before you are content with your situation?"

Light considered this for a moment. "My last condition is that I am allowed to create and communicate new conditions at any time I choose."

"Light-kun, that is simply unreasonable." L displayed the hilarious epitome of a sour face.

"It might do well for someone to point out that you, too, are fairly unreasonable; thus to oppose the unreasonable is to merely oppose yourself. And if you are, in fact, in opposition of yourself, it is safe to say that you are experiencing latent psychological problems and should seek psychiatric assistance."

L's eyes snapped open. "What was that?" Yes! Light had outsmarted him once more! "I seem to have dozed off somewhere in there…"

And throughout the large room resounded the obscenely loud smacking of a face against a palm.

* * *

Because Light just can't win without cheating. 


	4. Chapter Four

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light**  
Chapters:** 4/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "Are you a stalker?"  
** Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

"As you have now expressed your concerns I am assuming I am free to express mine?"

This… was going to be bad. "Please do."

"My main concern is that Light-kun does not turn against me in the midst of any battles."

"I sincerely doubt that I would do that of my own volition…"

"Both you and I know that this is a lie. However, if Light-kun does indeed decide to engage in combat against me, I will not hesitate to tranquilize him, no matter what position he is in."

"But what if I'm operating a vehicle?"

"Light-kun will then crash and be demolished."

"… A vehicle that happens to be careening into a group of small school children?"

"Does Light-kun think me incapable of stopping the progress of a vehicle?" Light was undoubtedly about to snap something insulting back at him, but he only continued speaking. "Now, my second demand is that you are not, under any circumstances, to kill a criminal."

"L! That's unfair! They deserve justice!"

"Indeed they do, Light-kun. However, justice happens to involve a jury, a judge, several witnesses, a dash of evidence, and last but not least, a _defense_."

"Justice involves criminals getting what they _deserve_, L, which is _not_ acquittal."

"But sometimes it is, Light-kun. Now please, cease arguing. The prospect of being snapped at for the remainder of the day is, to me, a highly unappealing one."

"You certainly don't act like it."

"Please. My third request is that you break off the entirety of your romantic relationships."

"What? Why?!" Light narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "You aren't… attracted to me, are you?"

"I am suggesting that Light-kun break ties with his girlfriends because he will soon have no time for them."

"What?!"

"Light-kun and I will be doing so much crime fighting together in his free time that he will simply have no time for them. Also, I have reason to believe that Amane Misa is the Pink Princess."

"That is impossible, L."

"Why would you suggest that?"

"… Misa isn't stupid enough to name herself something like that."

"To the contrary, Light-kun, you will find that she is not only foolish enough to name herself so… idiotically, but she also, with very little persuasion necessary, gave to Watari… this." At "this," he rummaged through his pockets and quickly produced a signed portrait of Amane Misa, with, "The Pink Princess," inked upon it in handwriting that, while loopy and embellished enough to have become nearly illegible, was still, undeniably, her. Light handed the photograph back to L, shamed.

"My only question is, why in the _hell_ did you have that in your pocket?"

"I also have her indirect confession on a tape recorder as well as a small spiral detailing circumstantial evidence pertaining to her case, not to mention a few… other photographs." Silence reigned supreme for one painfully awkward moment.

"Are you a stalker?"

"Light-kun, these are my Amane Misa case jeans. You see, they hold all of the evidence that I have amassed towards her conviction in their pockets. I am wearing them because I had anticipated that you would eventually ask about her."

"I didn't ask; you plainly _lead_ me into this conversation."

"I also have a pair for Light-kun, if he would like to see them…"

"No thank you. However, having all of the evidence for each suspect in a pair of jeans for each… does that mean you never wash them?"

"Of course I do. When I have finished a case I will take the evidence, offer it to the authorities, and then wash the article of clothing previously containing said evidence."

"That is… truly disgusting, L."

"What? I do participate in the action of _showering_, I'll have you know."

"Of course you do."

"I understand why you may be disinclined to believe me, but…"

"AGAIN. PLEASE. STOP THIS MADNESS." Watari sounded frantic.

"Why the _hell_ haven't you left?!" Light simply had to ask.

"Light-kun," L frowned at him. "I am the only one allowed to speak to Watari in that manner."

"I'm sor- wait, what?"

"Watari, if you do not mind me asking, why the _hell_ have you not left?"

"That is a very good question L, and one I will tirelessly search for to." With that, he promptly walked off in a direction precisely the opposite of the one L was in.

"I have a feeling that we are no longer talking about the room…" But Watari had exited and he was speaking now only to Light, who was, to say the very least, extremely apathetic.

"Where is my clothing?" Because forty minutes and seventeen seconds after the realization that he was nearly nude under the sheets of what he had assumed to be L's bed, Light had finally found it appropriate to ask.

"About that…"

* * *

Because even though I really do love Misa, she can be terribly oblivious sometimes 


	5. Chapter Five

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light**  
Chapters:** 5/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "I am afraid that leather and water do not mix well."  
** Disclaimer:** I am currently not in possession of Death Note. Nor am I currently in possession of _a_ Death Note, because I am sure that would be infinitely more frightening.

L then produced from seemingly nowhere what looked to be the most abused piece of material in existence.

"That," Light choked out, "_that_?"

"Ah, yes Light-kun." L shook his head as if he actually cared about the utter anguish Light was experiencing. "I am afraid that leather and water do not mix well."

Light, reduced to incoherency, merely gurgled.

"It seems as if you will have to wear the other one, after all." L was, to his credit, at the very least _attempting_ to hold back his smirk.

"You did this, didn't you?" Light, by this point, was much too exasperated with L to have any venom left for the accusation.

"…Perhaps. But either way, the outfit is ruined and will provide no aid whatsoever in the issue of dressing Light-kun. And while I am not averse to having him walk around in the meager undergarments I have left him in, I believe that he would find it far too much like a domestic situational comedy."

Light narrowed his eyes. "If _that_," he gestured to the nothing-less-than-garish clothing Watari had left for him, "is your solution, then I am afraid that I am never leaving this bed." To accentuate his point, he yanked the covers over his head childishly.

L sighed. "Light-kun is acting terribly juvenile, but if he is willing to surrender his fortress of bed sheets then I am sure he will see something he likes."

Experimentally, Light poked one eyeball from his hiding place and was indeed very pleased to see that his outfit had not really been damaged. "Did you fake that?"

"Unfortunately, that was the true fate of Light-kun's doomed attire. Fortunately, I was able to liberate this one from what I presume is the same store that he attained his."

"You mean you stole it."

"I_ liberated_ it, Light-kun. There is quite obviously a difference."

"Sadly, the only difference is the vocabulary choice."

"Oh, how you wound me so."

"Not as much as _you_ wounded _me_ last night."

"Not only does that sound as if it is the conclusion of a terrible joke, Light-kun, but you have also been asleep for longer than one evening."

"What?!"

"Calm yourself, please. It has only been one day."

"Only one day?! What if I had something important to do?" Grasping for an appeal that might actually work with L, he added, "And what if I had a concussion?"

"Please, Light-kun. Not only has Watari treated your injuries, I was also watching you for the duration of your unconsciousness."

"Because that is in no way frightening at all."

"I am glad Light-kun thinks that way."

"I give up." Light fell back onto the bed.

"I appreciate your submissiveness. However, I am going to need for you to be a bit more… lively very soon."

"And why is that, to commence more torture while I'm kicking and screaming instead of just allowing you to slowly eat away at my sanity?"

"While I am unsure of how much Light-kun would enjoy this torture, and it is certainly something I will look into…" Light shot him a dirty look; an absolutely _filthy_ look. "Right. Well, there are infinitely more pressing matters at hand, currently."

"I don't know, L, what could you possibly find more pressing of a matter than discerning my sexual peculiarities?"

"Well… Amane Misa is currently levitating just outside of the large window directly behind you, and seeing as 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' then I am safe in assuming that I will not be safe in much of anything in a few moments."

Over the earsplitting sound of shattering glass, Light's responding insult was lost.

* * *

Because I had to get a little action in some time or risk driving everyone insane. 


	6. Chapter Six

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, Matsuda Touta**  
Chapters:** 6/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** There was always the window, Light remembered positively.  
** Disclaimer:** I am currently not in possession of Death Note. Nor am I currently in possession of _a_ Death Note, because I am sure that would be infinitely more frightening.

"LIIIIIIIGHT!" As if responding to her cry, Light leapt out of the bed in a show of the worst reasoning he had ever conducted. Directly after this lapse in judgment there was a dead silence, punctuated by a scream in a pitch previously unknown to mankind.

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING HALF NAKED IN THIS PERVERT'S BED, LIGHT?"

An intimidated man with shaggy black hair appeared from behind her and was attempting to soothe her. "Please, Misa-Misa, I'm sure that there is an absolutely reasonable explanation for this." Yet Misa raged on.

Needless to say, Light's headache was expanding at an exponential rate.

"ENOUGH!" Of course, at the demand of her precious Light, Misa was easily quieted. "Misa, I am not doing _anything_ with him, rest assured."

Her obscenely large eyes widened. "Really?"

"I have to disagree with that statement." Misa's blonde head snapped to L so quickly that Light theorized she'd suffer from whiplash. Then, upon synthesizing the information, she slowly turned back to Light, malice mapped out upon her features.

"Is that so?" Suddenly, death, or grievous injury at the very least, seemed imminent.

"Of course it is." Light, dumbfounded and trapped in the fatal, frightening crossfire, merely gaped. "Light-kun is to become my new sidekick."

Doom was etched in over the ghastly powder and harlequin scarlet lipstick. "But Light said he'd never work with anyone but Mi-" The death glare she received from said Light halted her jabbering immediately.

"I remain unsurprised that you that you have collaborated. It is, in fact, this collaboration that has lead the both of you," he gestured to Misa and the frightened-looking man standing stock-still behind her, "here, and now I am free to do as I please with you."

"NO!" Misa shrieked. "TAKE ME! SAVE LIGHT'S INNOCENCE! PLEASE!"

L, for all of his genius, was seemingly baffled by this cry.

Light was beginning to think that drowning in less than two feet of water was sounding increasingly appealing.

The intimidated man cleared his throat. "Assuming that… er… well, assuming that _that_ was not your intended solution for this, what should we do?"

"Do not allow assumptions to lead you astray, dear sir."

There was always the window, Light remembered positively.

"However, in this particular situation, your assumption is correct." A collective sigh of relief was exhaled. "However, that is not to imply that what I have planned is not worse."

"It is," Light muttered darkly as L cheerfully ignored him.

"Amane-san, if you will, I wish for you to abandon your title as the Pink Princess and join Light-kun and me in ridding the world of criminals."

She seemed to be considering it. "You can guarantee that Light will be with us?" L nodded gravely, forcing Light to very much throw the large, ebony-topped head somewhere preferably dark and full of vicious, ravenous kittens. "You can count me in, then!" He could almost _see_ the hearts punctuating her sentence. Disgusting.

"And you, sir?" L addressed the apparently airy-headed man accompanying Misa.

"I'm Matsuda, Matsuda Touta."

"Matsuda-san, then?"

"Ah, you don't have to use _that_ honorifi-"

"I implore you to procure coffee and various other edibles from Watari."

"Ah, yes." Matsuda proceeded to stand in place, silently.

"If you would please hurry…"

"Ah, of course!" He then walked off briskly in a random direction.

"He doesn't know where he's going, L."

"I am well aware of that, Light-kun."

"… And you're going to allow him to wander around here unsupervised?"

"Do not fret. He will soon find Watari… or Watari will find him."

"Something seems horribly ominous about that sentence..."

"HEY," Misa interjected loudly and belatedly. "Since when we you allowed to call Light 'Light-kun?'"

L looked to the ceiling, calculating. "I believe that would be approximately one hour, fifty-seven minutes, and eleven seconds ago."

"Approximately, he says." Light buried his face in his hands; a telltale exhibition of mental exhaustion.

Misa pouted at L but said nothing, apparently deep in thought. Finally, she grinned brightly and announced, "It's time for the most important part of being a superhero!"

Light's muffled voice rumbled through the grave of his skin. "And what might that be?"

"Costume design, of course!"

At this exclamation, even L looked slightly troubled.

* * *

Because I love Misa, even if she isn't the sharpest crayon in the box, and that was never really a fair contest because the "real" sharpest crayon had a razor blade implanted into it by a disgruntled factory worker. 


	7. Chapter Seven

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa**  
Chapters:** 7/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "Oh, it's not that bad, Misa! The design is absolutely wonderful! It's just that L isn't, you know. A girl."  
** Disclaimer:** I am currently not in possession of Death Note. Nor am I currently in possession of _a_ Death Note, because I am sure that would be infinitely more frightening.

"Misa… this… is…"

"Anything from a various array of words meaning alarming."

"Precisely."

Misa frowned. "I think it looks good."

"That is exactly the issue here, Misa. It looks good."

"Huh?"

"Your specialty is the outrageous and frightening. This is neither of those." Light's bewilderment-tinged voice was blended with praise.

Misa beamed brightly. "Misa is so happy that Light likes it!"

L interrupted the joy, as usual. "I do not doubt that this design will be extremely difficult to execute."

"Especially by Watari, who lost on a reality television show," Light interjected challengingly.

"Watari was never on any television show."

"What?"

"Don't worry! Misa Misa will sew it!"

"You can sew?"

"Of course Misa can. Misa wouldn't be able to make her own clothing if she couldn't!"

"Amane-san, please stop referring to yourself in third person." Misa, in a show of maturity, merely stuck her tongue out at this request.

Light, sensing another epic headache developing, switched the subject quickly. "Misa, this design is fantastic. I think that it will look very good on you. Where's L's?"

Misa shuffled through ink-stained pages until she found the proper one and handed it to Light proudly.

Light, upon seeing it, grimaced inconsiderately, and Misa's face fell. Not wanting to render her useless to him, that is to say, not wanting her to dislike him, he quickly remedied his error.

"Oh, it's not that bad, Misa! The design is absolutely wonderful! It's just that L isn't, you know. A girl."

L, not having seen the drawing yet, queried, "Why is it that my gender has come into question?"

Misa, ignoring L, argued, "I think he could pull it off."

Light, relishing L's being ignored for once but still not finding the idea of him in a skirt very appealing, eloquently responded, "Oh?"

Misa, to prove her disturbing point, dragged L from his seat. "Look, Light. He's got the perfect complexion," here, much to L's dismay, she grabbed his face, "silky hair of the purest black," she tugged at the strands, L cringing, "and, not to mention, a figure that even I am jealous of!" the irony was not lost on either of the men as she, the one inflicting misery on L, was glaring at him enviously.

Light, sensing an obvious argument to her case, said, "And the large, black circles under his eyes?"

"Light can be such a dummy sometimes." Misa shook her head, her blonde tresses swaying to and fro. "Make up can cover that up!"

"And in the event that it can't?"

"It's exotic. And besides, it makes him look like a cute little panda!" Here she squeezed his middle as he crept slowly along the cusp of despair.

"What of the possibility that he refuses to wear it?"

"He can't fight crime naked."

"Actually, one may find me quite capable of doing just that, in the event that this skirt of which you speak is the only other possibility."

"PERVERT!" Misa recollected all of her appendages and was at least two meters away from him within five seconds.

L, seated once more, began again. "I do not believe that this design of yours suit me well. Please, if you will me to wear something other than my usual desire, make it plausible." Misa, opening her mouth to protest that it was very much plausible, if only he would shave his legs, was cut off when he continued, "And please, be quick about it. I suspect we shall battle tonight."


	8. Chapter Eight

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, Matsuda Touta, R.Y.U.K, Rem**  
Chapters:** 8/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "Although it may prove to be very entertaining to watch our associate dismembered, I supply the idea that we intervene."  
** Disclaimer:** I am currently not in possession of Death Note. Nor am I currently in possession of _a_ Death Note, because I am sure that would be infinitely more frightening.

The way L had stated it had made it seem as if they were going to fight as soon as he could be clothed; however, they actually ended up waiting stagnantly for roughly three hours, twenty-one minutes, and thirteen seconds before anything of remote interest occurred, and even then it was only Matsuda, back with the coffee.

Light was working on calculating the sixtieth perfect number inside of his head when L finally declared, "It is so nice when, in lieu of hunting, our prey will come to us," As Light whipped around to ask just what the hell kind of crazy he was spouting this time and why he wouldn't just stop, he caught sight of the most hideous… thing he had ever seen.

"What are you?"

The thing frowned. "I'm less a what and more a who."

"Regardless, you're avoiding the question."

"Fine, fine. I'm technically a scientific experiment, E-97053, R.Y.U.K, but it was so boring where I came from. After the doctor deemed me a success, he just sat around, drinking and playing cards games with himself, so I escaped." Light raised an eyebrow. "Okay, well I was never really under any heavy security, so I suppose you could say I just… reached around the bars and picked the lock."

"And why are you here?"

"Eh, the doctor's either looking for me or in a drunken coma, so I decided to come here. I must say, you humans are all very… interesting." He fixed a lecherous stare on the oblivious Misa.

"So, do you wish to engage in battle with us?" L, ever-the-focused, cared only for the bloodshed.

"Nah. I'm not taking sides in this. But… the guy behind me is." The beast moved away to reveal… another beast.

"I am not, as R.Y.U.K. would have you believe, a male."

"What?!" And with that incredulous statement, the big, blue, _androgynous_ beast growled and attacked the inquisitor, the unfortunate Matsuda.

"Although it may prove to be very entertaining to watch our associate dismembered, I supply the idea that we intervene." L looked to Light and Misa as if for approval.

Light, rather enjoying the man's panicked cries for help, replied, "I don't know, L. He didn't bring the snacks."

L seemed to ponder upon this statement for quite some time, but finally remarked, "It would be rather difficult to clean up the blood, and that is a duty for a… sidekick, do you not concur?"

Light, attempting to channel all of the fury of hell into his eyes but only managing to look a little pissy, did, in fact, reluctantly concur.

Always the one to instigate violent situations Light as Kira yelled, "HEY. BEAST. PICK ON SOMEONE A LITTLE MORE COMPETENT!" He grasped one of the glass shards from the shattered window and threw it expertly at the attacker as Matsuda whined about the insult. L had somehow scampered up the wall and was now suspended from the ceiling, prepared to pounce on the prey once it was properly provoked and distracted. However, when Misa saw that the big, blue… thing was about to attack Light, she attacked first.

"MISA-MISA LOVE BEAM!" Unbelievably suddenly, the action stopped, and L dropped from the ceiling agilely.

"Hello," the beast said, stumbling drunkenly over to Misa. "I'm Rem. Who are you?"

Misa, startled more witless than she usually was by the close proximity of this "Rem," stuttered, "I'm. I'm M-Misa."

"I seem to like you very much, Misa. May I accompany you for the duration of your lifespan?" She was peering at an area above Misa's head distractedly.

What would become a telltale, "Hyuk hyuk hyuk," drifted down from the rafters. Everyone, including Rem, looked up to see R.Y.U.K, dangling haphazardly by one limb. "The doctor made Rem, you know. She's kinda like me but a bit less… biotic." Here he chuckled again. "She's a robot."

"If she is a robot, then is it not true that she is not of any gender?" Yet L would find himself ignored once again.

"She was built to sense and monitor a lot of meticulous human details, mainly heart rate and body heat, stuff like that. It's actually pretty neat because, well." An impish grin cracked his face open like a giant, rotten egg. "She can usually pretty much read how long you've got to live."

Upon seeing the heads turn to Rem, he chuckled obnoxiously. "She won't tell ya. Some sorta glitch the doctor never figured out."

"If you and Rem originate from the same facility, why is it that you improperly communicated her gender and then proceeded to provide no aid to us in the midst of battle?"

That baby-eating smile slathered itself messily over the creature's face. "Why, indeed? But you noticed it. And as for the battle, remember: I don't take sides."

"Your evasion will eventually have you killed, no doubt by me."

"Fine, fine. You're all so pushy around here. I just thought it'd be more interesting this way. You're a pretty observant guy."

"Not particularly," L said, but he was, at the time, too distracted with monitoring every minute detail of those around him for suspicious activity to formulate a proper response.

An immense, awkward desert of a silence ensued as the inhabitants of the room shifted about uncomfortably due to L's disturbing and unfaltering surveillance.

R.Y.U.K, not one to accept social rules, shattered the silence with a leer and, "Got any apples?"

* * *

Because I continually forget about writing these, "because," statements. 


	9. Chapter Nine

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, R.Y.U.K., Rem, Watari, Matsuda Touta**  
Chapters:** 9/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "Did you know that you're a lot like Batman?"  
** Disclaimer:** I am currently not in possession of Death Note. Nor am I currently in possession of _a_ Death Note, because I am sure that would be infinitely more frightening.

After supplying R.Y.U.K with enough apples to kill a person at the very least, the group of young crime-fighters was fixed with nothing to do. Light, exhibiting particularly poor decision-making skills, decided to learn more about his new partner. Or rather, he decided to tell his new partner somewhat erroneous information that was entirely unnecessary.

"Did you know that you're a lot like Batman?" He queried idly, finding his comparison quite apt.

"Pardon?" L, perched perilously in his swivel chair, utilized said swivel chair to its full swiveling capabilities and twirled to face Light, absolutely and entirely inexplicably livid.

"You know, Batman? Gotham City's hero-"

"I am _fully_ aware of the identity of this 'Batman,' I am only questioning your having related me to him."

"Well, it's true." Light was offended because no one had praised him for his genius on this theory thus far. "I mean, you haven't got any_ real_ powers-"

"Oh?"

"-And you've got an old man assistant-"

A feral growl resounded from some dark corner.

"-Not to mention your clever weapon creation-"

"Would you like a demonstration of this clever weaponry?"

"-And that outfit our dear Misa has designed for you is certainly close to the one worn by the great Dark Knight-"

L looked down at his dark clothing with newfound disgust. Light opened his mouth to continue, but the unlucky Matsuda burst in, "Why do you hate Batman so much?" L's face darkened considerably and even Rem, who was occupied braiding Misa's hair and putting sparkly beads in, would testify to a discernable frightening aura pervading the air.

Light, who, for being such a clever young man, seemed to be making a great deal of terrible decisions that particular day, said, "You got into some childish spat with him and just refuse to apologize, right?"

L, looking disturbingly calm, muttered, "Light-kun, have you ever heard of Jack the Ripper?"

"Yes, he was the one who-"

"For you, I will make him seem like Mr. Rogers."

"Who?"

"Or Watari, they're rather alike…"

Watari, rather put-out by the insulting nature of this threat, was about to comment on the internal pain he suffered from him wounded ego and how L wouldn't think him like Mr. Rogers when he was dead and there was no one competent to bring him cake, when Misa interrupted, "Misa was wondering why you didn't send us to Arkham Asylum…"

"Arkham Asylum would be no match for Light-kun, and the cost to ship the two of you to Gotham would be in no way worth a week's piece of mind."

"What about me?" Matsuda was positive that he'd been insulted vaguely somehow.

L, looking him over once, declared, "You'd be no trouble." As the man in question attempted to protest, L gave him an absolutely soul-shattering glare and reiterated, "No trouble at all." Matsuda, ironically enough, proved him right and shut up.

"Now, even though we have experienced one confrontation this evening, it was admittedly not the one I was expecting, so it seems we will have to go hunting."

"Hunting?" Misa's beads clacked together obnoxiously as she tilted her head to the side.

"I am afraid that this particular enemy will not be so foolish as to come to us."

"Alright! Let's go!" Everyone turned to Matsuda, who had put himself into a fighter stance.

"Matsuda?"

"Yes?"

"That sort of attitude is going to get you killed. What we need is a _plan_."

* * *

Because it's New Year's Eve and I hope you enjoy yourselves. 


	10. Chapter Ten

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, R.Y.U.K., Rem, Watari, Matsuda Touta, Mysterious enemy**  
Chapters:** 10/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "My god, I think I'm going to have to kill him, just for that."  
** Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, thankfully.

Twenty-eight minutes, forty-three seconds, and fourteen sheets of high-quality paper later, the group of young heroes had formulated a plan.

"So… I punch him in the face and we drag his unconscious body back to headquarters for questioning?" Upon L's affirmative nod, Light shrugged and agreed. "Sounds good enough to me."

R.Y.U.K was chuckling from some impossible position up in the rafters and Light's attempts to hit him with _anything_ were simply _not working_. L, not much of one for messing about, deftly hit the beast in the head, causing him to fall to the ground with a rather solid and highly satisfying "thunk."

"Alright, now that _that_ particular issue is settled, where do we find this new enemy?"

…

"Here?! A _law firm_?"

"Are you particularly averse to lawyers?"

"Well, no, but… beating up a lawyer?!"

"I assure you, he is no normal lawyer."

"That explains why he's still at work at three in the morning."

"As I have said, he is no normal lawyer. He is… THE OBJECTIFIER!"

"My god, I think I'm going to have to kill him, just for that."

"Now, now. No killing, remember?"

"Son of a-"

"Who's out there?" Their objective, the Objectifier, had heard them.

"No one!" Misa replied cleverly.

L and Light shared a glance indicating that it was time now to implement their plan.

"Over here!" Light jumped from behind the bushes, covered in twigs but still appearing rather dashing.

"Kira-sama! My hero!" Before Light had the time to be perplexed, L had bashed the unwitting lawyer on the back of his head, rendering him unconscious.

"You failed," L stated, not seeming too terribly bitter about it.

"Damned fanboys," Light offered in response.

Watari pulled around the NPA-funded van and L, proving to be quite a bit more powerful than he seemed at first glance, threw the lawyer in the back of the vehicle unceremoniously and climbed in, Light and Misa following suit. Although he had been experiencing a good deal of bad luck with asking questions as of late, Light valiantly decided to ask yet another.

"Why do you have an NPA-funded van?"

"I have many things funded by the NPA, none of which you will stumble upon nor will I tell you of."

"Like prostitutes?"

L, rather perturbed by this point due to the sheer amount of somewhat idiotic questions he had been asked, replied, "Yes. Exactly like prostitutes."

Light, rather enjoying perturbing L with the sheer amount of somewhat idiotic questions he had been asking, continued, "So why is the NPA paying for your prostitutes?"

L, liking this question in particular because not only did Light assume he'd actually had sex but also because he had the chance to gloat, answered proudly, "I am the great detective L."

"So, you catch criminals as the widely-known superhero L and then turn them in as the widely-known detective L?"

"… That is a fairly correct assessment."

"Have people drawn any connections?"

"…I do not believe they have."

Light, incredulous at the exponentially rising stupidity of the human race, settled for gawking. L, having accomplished the goal of shutting the teen the hell up, scratched at an itchy patch of skin. Damned cheap, synthetic fabric.

…

Once back at headquarters, L contacted the NPA on the subject of the capture and upcoming incarceration of the Objectifier.

"This is Mikami Teru."

Matsuda burst into the room, eager to be in on the action. "Oh my god! That's Mikami Teru!"

L, once again perturbed at undesired speaking, asked politely, "Matsuda, have you ever wondered what it feels like to be stabbed in the face?"

"Yeah, a little bit."

"I suspect that if things continue at this rate, you will no longer have to wonder."

"…Huh?"

"Our subject is, as I was saying before Matsuda tapped into an endless pool of murderous rage within me, Mikami Teru, also known as the Objectifier. His power, rather obviously, is to transform humans into objects. Therefore, I suggest you take these." He handed out compact mirrors to his companions. "If he wakes and attempts to objectify you, please, save yourself by forcing him to turn himself into an object." At Light's raised eyebrows, he added, "I have seen a man changed into a plastic bucket. It was brutal, the sort of thing one can never forget."

Light, disturbed by the conviction in L's voice, glanced down at his compact mirror, displeased. "Mine has a unicorn on it."

"Ooh! Ooh! Misa has a dinosaur! Wanna trade?"

L granted the pair a look darker than the bags under his eyes but said nothing as they exchanged the fierce tools of protection.

"Now that we are all prepared, I propose we wait."

Light grumbled about how waiting was all they ever did, Misa sat still as Rem redid a few of the braids that had come loose, Matsuda stood around as if unsure of how to properly wait, and far above them, perched in the rafters, R.Y.U.K chuckled madly, biting loudly into another crisp apple.

* * *

Because I was really quite distraught to learn that "Objectifier" is not actually a word in the English language. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, R.Y.U.K., Rem, Watari, Matsuda Touta, Mikami Teru**  
Chapters:** 11/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "We're in a room with a man who can change people into objects and _you_ are going to tell _me _what is impossible?"  
** Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, thankfully.

Upon waking, the first thing that Mikami Teru had chosen to say from all of the questions and other possible comments he had was, "Oh my god."

L, finding this statement a rather odd, and infinitely _suspicious_, choice amongst all of the questions and other possible comments the man must have had, replied, "You must have known that this would happen so please, do not act as if you are surprised."

Mikami shook his head frantically, correcting, "No, my _god_." He attempted to the best of his abilities to gesture towards Light using only his head with valiant effort but little to show for it, although L's confused face seemed a bit too contrived.

Light, also wearing a rather contrived look of confusion, said, "I've never seen this man before in my life, L. Really."

"Yes, you have."

"Oh? How would you know?"

"Well, you have seen him during our stakeout only one hour, thirty-two minutes, and twenty-five seconds ago, not to mention nearly every moment after that until this time."

"That doesn't cou-"

"You have also been in collusion with him for the past eight months."

"… Shit." R.Y.U.K. chuckled loudly from the ceiling and Light, rather desperate at this point to silence him, removed his shoe and chucked it rather forcefully at the back of the hulking figure's head, knocking him from his perch violently.

L, enjoying his triumph over Light probably too much, cleared his throat to regain the teen's attention. "Light-kun, would you prefer it if I presented to you my case jeans on you in order to collaboratively eradicate these instances of your public humiliation?"

Light, disliking the annoying if not well-deserved prodding, ignored L and instead examined R.Y.U.K.

"Misa thinks he's dead. Light maybe hit him too hard."

"God, I hope so. Rem, what's your evaluation?" Rem stood still, not responding. L, not feeling any particular attachment to the scientific experiment but preferring not to have things die in an area that may make him liable for a lawsuit, especially in _this _area, with a high-powered lawyer only meters away, sidled over to the presumed carcass and wondered how to go about the process of assuring his living state.

"It may be that whoever created him did not give him any form of a heart or pulse."

Light snorted. "L, that's impossible. Nothing can live without a pulse."

"We're in a room with a man who can change people into objects and _you_ are going to tell _me _what is impossible?" Matsuda giggled, but was shot silent by the murderous glare from the addressed teen. L continued, "R.Y.U.K. has also obscured information about his origins previously, so there is no way to tell if he is not a robot and simply broken."

"Of course there is," the rasp came from the floor, "robots don't eat apples." R.Y.U.K. picked himself up from the floor and flew back into the rafters. "I can't say I won't hold a grudge, though, Light."

With R.Y.U.K.'s assertion of being alive, the young heroes turned back to their other and possibly more troublesome issue, the Objectifier.

"What is this?" Obviously, having been attacked by his former leader was quite the traumatizing experience. "Is this a place for reformed villains?"

"What makes you so sure that you're a villain?" Light was rather unhappy about what that would imply.

"Well, I've been caught for something, that's for sure. So, can I join your team now?"

Light was about to cheerily welcome the new member of their crime-fighting squad when L said, "No."

"What?!"

"I offer you my sincerest apologies, but I believe that we have all members we currently have need of."

As realization dawned on the face of the Objectifier, he became enraged. "No, I deserve this! I deserve to work with Kira-sama, unlike un-groomed scum like you! KIRA-SAMA! DO NOT WORRY! I WILL SAVE YOU FROM THIS TYRANNY!" Light's attempts to calm the man were futile, and eventually Mikami, in an impressive show of strength, roughly pushed him aside to aim for his true target. "OBJECTION!"

The result of this quite possibly copyrighted phrase was a blinding flash of light and when it subsided, Light looked up from the floor to find…

* * *

Because I am sincerely apologetic about the lack of updates. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, R.Y.U.K., Mikami Teru**  
Chapters:** 12/?  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "There has to be something ironic about this."  
** Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, thankfully.

An apple, sitting in the seat that had formerly contained Mikami Teru, lawyer extraordinaire and the Objectifier. R.Y.U.K. floated down from the rafters, snatched it, and, hearing no protests, took a large bite, sticky juices running down his periwinkle chin in a manner certainly not much different from blood. Drifting about in the air was the almost-tangible sound of minute screams of pain.

Light sat back on his haunches, staring intently. "There has to be something ironic about this."

L stared at his compact mirror in awe. "And to think that of all possibilities… HiHi Kitten was the one to save my life."

A short silence fell over the group in respect for the late Objectifier, quickly .shattered by the arrival of cake and cookies.

"I feel kind of bad for him, you know?" Light lamented through a mouthful of chocolate chip cookie.

L nodded, but swallowed his bite of strawberry cake instead of replying. Misa chose to answer instead. "Misa is sure he's in a better place now!"

"You think?" He pondered this heavy, unknown variable as he swallowed the remains of his cookie thoughtfully.

"Definitely," She said with a grin.

Meanwhile, Mikami had been given a very special job in the afterlife – tranforming all of the other screeching, lost souls into firewood to feed the burning inferno that doubled as a water heater.

* * *

Because how else would the good people of the afterlife take warm baths if I didn't kill off everyone's favorite character? 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, R.Y.U.K., Rem, Mikami Teru**  
Chapters:** 13/19  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** Besting what had been the world's most powerful supervillian alliance in twenty years was great and all, but damn if it didn't leave you with nothing better to do in your spare time  
** Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, thankfully.

L, rather disappointed with the lack of interesting adversaries after the untimely objectification of the Objectifier, was growing bored. Originally, he had been chasing after Kira, and then had caught him. Then had come Amane Misa, and she had been far too easy to defeat. Finally, the Objectifier had been brought down.

Besting what had been the world's most powerful supervillian alliance in twenty years was great and all, but damn if it didn't leave you with nothing better to do in your spare time. L, who had been drawing obscene comics with primitive stick figures for the past two days, was finally running out of perverse fantasies, and, wisely choosing to conserve a few for later, turned to the other occupant of the room. Time for criminal profiling!

"Light-kun, if you don't mind me asking," he began in an authoritative tone that made it very clear that it was of no importance whatsoever what Light did and did not mind, "what is it that made you turn to a life of crime?"

"I wasn't a criminal, you know."

"Then what is it that turned you into…?"

"An alternative crime combatant?"

"… Yes."

"That's quite simple. Every time I look at the world, L, I see the same things you do. However, I look at them for what they really are." There was a long, awkward, and inexplicable pause; then Light continued. "This world is sick, L, and I decided to be the one to cure it."

"Hyuk hyuk hyuk. If ya wanted to cure everyone so badly, why didn't ya become a doctor?" R.Y.U.K chuckled again, swinging from one rafter to the next as the other occupants of the room attempted to ignore him.

"And you, Amane-san?"

"Well, Misa is a very popular model, you know? Misa was doing some bad things because Misa wasn't too happy. Nobody likes Misa for Misa, you know?" L nodded absent-mindedly. "Well, one day Misa woke up, wearing only a corset and knee socks in an apartment she's never seen before. Then Misa decided to change. She looked over to Light, admiration shining in her wide eyes. Light, on his part, managed to look a little less apathetic. "That very night, Misa stayed home and watched television. She was watching the news and saw a special on Kira, the bad guy killer! And so Misa knew it was destiny! And so she decided to use her love beam for good!"

"This solves the mystery of Amane-san's quick rise to the top in the world of modeling…" L chewed his thumb, making a mental note. "And you, Rem? What is your story?"

"I came here under orders of the doctor. It is because of my newfound affection for Misa that I have decided to stay."

"Wait… the doctor sent you?" Light looked up at R.Y.U.K, excited about the possibility of finally having a good reason to kill him.

"Yes. I believe he was interesting in procuring an amiable relationship with the detective Daneuve."

"And you interpreted this as a directive for ambush?"

"… Yes."

"It seems to me as if I have something to do now." L grinned at Light, who, in an effort to be allowed on the case, beamed back.

"L, wouldn't you say that my intellectual prowess would be quite useful for this particular matter?"

"I do not deny that," L replied thoughtfully, chewing his thumb.

"Then would it not be most beneficial to allow me to work on this case?"

"I am unsure about _that_, Light-kun. You see, I always work alone."

"… If you always work alone, why did you force Misa and me into becoming your sidekicks?"

"If you are with me, then you are not against me. Also, it helps with my public persona to be surrounded by attractive people."

"… Of course." Light put his hand on L's shoulder, a friendly gesture at which the detective cringed. "But, you know, they always have attractive people in detective movies."

"Like Bond girls?" L looked up at Misa hopefully.

"Yes. Exactly like that." Light had no idea what a Bond girl was, but as long as it helped his point and wasn't dangerous, it seemed okay to agree.

"But James Bond wasn't a detective," Misa pointed out, and before Light could wonder how she knew that, L mumbled something of an oath under his breath and sent Misa a terrible glare, presumably for trampling upon his fantasies.

"Well, then. Let's pay a visit to this doctor." Behind them, R.Y.U.K laughed and laughed.

* * *

You didn't think I'd forgotten about this, did you? (Because you would actually be half right.)


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, The Doctor, Near, Mello **  
Chapters:** 14/18  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** Pay a visit to the doctor they did, and in their nicest formal wear at that.  
** Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, thankfully.

Pay a visit to the doctor they did, and in their nicest formal wear at that. L had decided that the best method for discovering the doctor's intentions would be to visit on a basis of "business," calling the man of questionable intent and feigning interest in using his technologically advanced laboratory for corporate research. Of course, to the doctor, the words "corporate research" might well be "HUGE MONEY" and he hastily asked the C.E.O, "Larry Lawrence," over for dinner.

"It is uncanny how easily people play into one's grasp," Light remarked, half-amazed and half-angry over how his own lot had turned out.

"I'm not 'super' without reason, Light-kun," L said, pulling at his tie incessantly.

"That's your power, then? God, and to think that this entire time I admired your deductive and persuasive abilities, when you were really-"

"Light-kun, I am not appreciating your insinuation that I have expended no effort to get to my current position." His eyes narrowed. "My empire was constructed on good planning and natural charisma." With that, he rang the doorbell and looked pointedly in any direction not containing a Light.

"Good evening." The giant doors pulled open to reveal a hunched-over, elderly man with wide, dark eyes. Light couldn't help but think that it was an older version of L, come from the future to warn them of possible danger or some other ridiculous happening. "I am Doctor Manet. Welcome to my humble abode."

L's first instinct in a new environment was to observe, and observe he did, his eyes darting about rapidly to determine an overall summary of the place. The most interesting thing to catch his eye was the fact that the doctor had two young, male servants. This duly noted, he moved on to the furniture (grandiose yet reeking of cheapness), the wall and floor dressings (clashing and oddly-patterned), and the dining table's centerpiece (daisies, how passé). Through with his evaluation, he poked his hand out to receive a hearty handshake from the host and shuffled his way into the manor, the two boys closing the doors behind them wordlessly. "I am Larry Lawrence," he said in accented Japanese.

"I am Ryuzaki," Light said with a bow. L threw him a short glare.

"And I am super star Amane Misa! As a new spokes model for the company, I decided to come along and see just what it is that goes on!"

The doctor chuckled, "Well, I wish I knew as well, Amane-san. Although I was provided with very convincing credentials," and by "credentials," he meant 500,000 yen, "I would still like to know the nature of your desire to use my laboratory."

"Nanotechnology," L responded, peeling off his grimy tennis shoes and abandoning them haphazardly on the floor to be picked up by the young boys. "Medical nanotechnology. We're technically working for the government, so I can't tell you much about it. In fact, I can't even tell you _that_!" He guffawed loudly, a sound that churned Light's empty stomach.

"Shall I take you to the lab first, or would you prefer to eat beforehand?"

"If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to eat first. I'm starving!" The dark-haired detective grinned broadly, a look that was simply not good for his facial structure. The young sidekick noted that in this state he fit very well the description of a death's head.

The young boys seated them, and Light finally began looking around. The room was quite large and reminded him not-too-fondly of a cavern or perhaps the gaping maw of a great animal, the ceiling looming above as the roof of a mouth, waiting to slam shut. He remarked on the idiosyncrasy of having more unnecessary nervousness in such an open place than he would in a tightly-enclosed space, placing his napkin on his lap in preparation for the meal.

…

_Damn the French._ Light chewed his way through a fifth course of god-knew-what, the full effects of L's fake accent and his stupidity settling into a little spot on his temple and causing it to throb painfully.

The doctor was currently being forced to explain some of the details of his relationship with his two young servants, Near and Mello, after Misa's embarrassing and tactless questioning of his sexual preferences.

Stuffing the last bit of cursed tart into his mouth, he was envying the model's ability to avoid eating due to claims of dieting. Thankfully, this was the last course, and, as such, they could now visit the lab.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, The Doctor, Near, Mello **  
Chapters:** 15/18  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "However," he said, dropping his accent, "now I am afraid that I am going to have to take you into custody."  
** Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, thankfully.

Light was not impressed with the technology in the doctor's lab, but he was thoroughly convinced of his innocence. Seeing the tools that had produced the monster R. Y.U.K, though, had given him an undeniable chill. Although he has certainly been curious about the coincidences involving the doctor, he was at least a little relieved to find that such a kind man was innocent. L was talking business with him as they were being led out, lying cleanly and convincingly, polishing it off with a faux business card and quite frankly surprising his young partner in justice.

They were standing in the doorway and exchanging their final farewells now, and Light really wanted to go back to the headquarters and sleep.

"Thank you for your company!" The doctor, still pressing hard to get that sale, was warm and cheerful.

"And thank you for yours, along with your hospitality," L said genially. "However," he said, dropping his accent, "now I am afraid that I am going to have to take you into custody."

"What a galling sense of humor, Lawrence-san!" Dr. Manet chuckled heartily.

With that, L pulled out a pair of handcuffs and the mirth dissipated from the condemned man's face. "I am afraid that this is no joke, Dr. Manet. If you come with us now and are able to prove yourself innocent, then there will be no harm done and we may provide compensation, however, in the event that you resist, you will be faced with a far less pleasant fate." He attempted to move closer but Light was blocking him

"Look, I let you get away with a lot of crazy allegations, but this is too far! The senseless incarceration of an innocent man? Are you _mad_?" He grabbed the eccentric Einstein by the shoulders.

"Ryuzaki-kun, I simply have a hunch, now if you would let me go?"

"Even if your hunches may be… more astute than those of most others, it doesn't give you a right to be the judge and jury."

"Of course not, we _will_ provide him a trial."

"that's not what I _meant_-"

"How exactly am I supposed to defend myself against a crime I've not committed with no knowledge of what said crime is?" The doctor was turning purple as Light stopped to marvel at how Kafkaesque the situation could become.

"If you haven't done anything wrong then you will not need to defend yourself," L reasoned.

"If I haven't done anything wrong, then why should I go with you?!"

L sighed. "Sir, I suggest you come with me. You have no idea who I am."

"I?It is you who has no idea!"

The detective stared on. "No idea of who I am? That's a bit philosophical for this situa-"

"No, you fool!" L grimaced. "_You_ have no idea who _I_ am!" He turned to his servants. "Mello, Near. Delete them."

"Hey! That's not your line!" Misa objected.

"That's not your biggest problem here," Mello said, slamming her head into the wall.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, The Doctor, Near, Mello **  
Chapters:** 16/18  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "I'll have you know I was a skilled skater."  
** Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, thankfully.

Misa stood up shakily, Light already on the doctor's tail and L too stunned to help her.

"When a man loves a lady," she began, pouting, "he should act like a knight. And that was very not chivalrous."

"So what, old bag? I'm not in love with you and with how much longer I'm planning on letting you live, it's not likely to happen." He scoffed.

"Not as planned?"

"Hehe, you're not exactly helping your case."

"Not yet."

"What?"

"Misa Misa love beam!" There was a pause.

"Hey there. What are your thoughts on leather?" He sidled up to her, attempting to make eye contact. She slammed his head against the wall in reciprocation, knocking him unconscious.

"_Light's_ my only knight."

"It's a pity he was incapacitated so quickly, though I do know your power now. It wasn't a complete waste." Near grinned. "But who will melt all of this ice?"

With that, he shaped a large block of ice under Misa, leaving her nine meters high on a slippery plateau, knowing full well she wouldn't move for fear of falling. He settled in for enjoying the thrill of possibly killing a man as she watched, helpless.

"Don't attempt to use your silly 'love beam' on me, either. I cannot love."

"You're bragging about that? It seems kind of sad," the model remarked. "but it's not like the love beam is the only thing I can do! I can-"

"Amane-san, please allow me to take care of him." L flashed what he hoped was a handsome, heroic, yet whimsical smile. It ended up looking like a grimace. She harrumphed and grumbled something about Light again. "Near, was it?"

The pale boy nodded.

"You seem rather clever."

"As do you." Near blinked. "I hate to kill you."

"I hate to die," L responded, and so the battle began. Near's move was first, a blast aimed for the detective's head, easily dodged with an attempt at a swift kick to the side of the boy's face. Near eased up on the freezer flow and tried martial arts against L to no avail, slipping back into using the ice, his upper hand. L, for his part, took off his shoes.

"I'll have you know I was a skilled skater." L called to his new nemesis.

"Who needs to skate on ice when you can control it?" He slicked the floor, racing towards the unflinching sweets-lover. Finally reaching him, he made to go around him. Almost there…

L stuck out his arm and clotheslined the adolescent, sending him straight to the icy ground, where his head hit the ground with a sickening crack. Over by Misa, Mello had awoken and melted Misa's way down from Near's large ice block, apologizing profusely for his past transgressions.

"Well, then, all that's left is the Doctor, and I assume Light-kun is far more capable than necessary to deal with-"

The teen in question yelled, "A LITTLE HELP HERE?"

"It would seem as if this day just continues lengthening exponentially," L sighed as Light was flung into the room with a crash.

* * *

To be fair, Light was in over his head and incapable of proper battle when not clad in leather.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** L, Yagami Light, Amane Misa, The Doctor, Near, Mello**,** R.Y.U.K.**  
Chapters:** 17/18  
**Warnings/Ratings:** Lack of coherency.  
**In A Nutshell:** "Why couldn't we be pitted against some _normal_ evil person? A nice sociopath serial killer would have been just as interesting!"  
** Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, thankfully.

Dr. Manet towered over them, a Goliath perched upon robotic spider legs, each ending in a lethal-looking tip that stabbed ever nearer to Light as he scrambled backwards.

"Why couldn't we be pitted against some _normal_ evil person? A nice sociopath serial killer would have been just as interesting! Instead we've got a huge," he paused to dodge, "_death_ arachnid here, which is a term so ridiculous even _I_ can't believe it!"

"Calm down, Light-kun. There are flaws to exploit here," L called serenely from the sidelines.

"Wouldn't you be a dear and exploit them for me, then?" The last stomp has snagged on his tie, ripping it in half straight down the center and enraging him, the flaps lolling like limp tongues as he retreated further.

"I believe that it is my duty as the main hero to allow for growth and development in a secondary character like yourself."

"This is _not_ the proper time for patronizing me!" He looked as if he were doing a bizarre, ritualistic dance with the five-meter-high leviathan, an amusing yet disturbing image that L could not resist enjoying.

Misa, seeing her knight in mortal peril, went for her last resort, whipping out her pistol and aiming.

There was a painfully resonant "BANG!" and the doctor was going down, one of his many legs now severed and sputtering oil onto the floor. He landed with a loud "THUMP," entangled in his contraption to the point of immobility. The gun safely returned to its holster, Misa looked around innocently.

"Must have been a malfunction, there was a large noise…" L speculated, eyes flitting up to the model knowingly.

Light was kneeling, face pointed towards the floor. "That worked out almost too perfectly."

There was a tell-tale chuckle accompanied by the sound of flapping wings. "Nah, _too_ perfectly would involve me taking this guy off into the sunset. Which is exactly what I plan on doing." He picked the now-fearful man up, leering into his face. "I hope ya like apples!" He cackled again, turning to the mismatched crew of superheroes. "See ya!" With that, he glided off.

"I wonder what will happen to him," Misa said disinterestedly.

"I always thought the doctor had given R.Y.U.K. better pants." Mello pouted.

"Don't dwell on it." L replied. Light looked at him curiously. "Now we have _paperwork_."

Light, for his part, groaned.

* * *

That's always the worst part, not to mention they're still kind of backlogged from Mikami.


End file.
